Relinquishing Control
This last year has been a hard and fast lesson in control. What it feels to lose it, what it feels to live within the confines of it, what it feels to be completely out of it, what it feels to want to assert it over everything.
This week last year I was in India. It was the start of a year of a deeper dive into spiritual. I studied Vipassana meditation at a 10-day silent retreat. I surrendered my right to speak, to use technology, to eat when I wanted and to even make eye contact. I woke each day at 4 am to shower in a bucket of cold water before sitting in meditation, with few breaks, until 9:30 pm. On day 6 we continued our journey inward in a cell, 2m wide by 3m long.
Vipassana is a specific meditation technique that I often describe as true surrender. Through a series of progressions, the practitioner becomes aware of various sensations in both the physical body and the subtle body. These sensations provide pathways toward a sense of acute awareness and stillness as the sensations evolve and dissolve.
It is only in true surrender can the practitioner fall into a state of deep meditation. Let go of the notion of trying to still your mind. Surrender to the discomfort in your hips, backs, knees. Dissolve attachment to the notion that ''this sit will be the best one yet''. Release the clasps of the monkey mind. Give up trying to change the experience into something it's not.
Vipassana meditators observe without reacting. They sit back and watch the scene unfold in front of their eyes, within their body. Meditators sit in observation as these sensations, thoughts, feelings and discomforts arrive but they do not react. For in doing so attachments are formed and inner awareness is disturbed.
Oftentimes those who complete a Vipassana retreat claim it changes their lives instantly. I did not feel this way. At least not to the lengths others did. True, I felt more connected, with wider eyes and a bigger heart. True, I felt educated and excited to learn more and practice more. True, I felt assured that this meditation technique was the one for me. True, I felt past learnings were cemented, I believed I was on the right path.
Looking back now, what followed over the next few months was what changed my life.
I'd departed Ireland with an awareness of a flu in China. And I'd return to the flu having changed the entire world as we know it. Like everyone, I fought feelings of despair and anger, sadness and frustration throughout the last 12 months. I wanted everything to be the same as it was. I craved the life I had, the life (and humans) we lost. I got angry and upset.
But every single day I went back to my meditation cushion. Every single day I gave up control of my sensations and my thoughts. Every single day I practiced impermanence.
Wait. If I could do this every single day on a cushion, why was I causing myself such pain and conflict off my mat as I struggled to control things that were not mine to control?
Ah. Anicca.
(If you have done a Vipassana retreat I dare you to read this word and not think of Goenka's voice saying it. Instant. Warm. Heart. Aniccccccccccca)
When we try to control situations we form attachments. We want things to turn out a certain way, for people to behave the way we want, for timelines to work the way we had planned, for things to be ''normal'' and routine. When things don't go according to our plan, we suffer. I realised my want for a different life was causing me to suffer. Covid 19 is outside of my own control. Nothing I can do on my own will stop this global pandemic. Instead of finding peace in the space of non-attachment, I chose to suffer amid the tight grips of control.
This reminded me of leaving New Zealand. I was utterly heartbroken leaving a country I had called home for over 10 years. I still grieve daily for the country, it’s people and the significance it brought to my life. I realised the grief was so big because it came as a result of a love so big. I felt a huge loss purely because I had felt an enormous love.
It's the same with this pandemic. We don’t get to choose what happens to us, but we do get to choose how we react to it.
We can hold onto this grief and suffering. Or, we can surrender to knowing this is entirely out of our control. With that, our grip loosens and we make a different choice.
I won't kid you. We have been in this pandemic for the last 12 months and this message landed just this month. I'm often the last to lean into my spirituality. It was always meant to be this way. The teacher arrives when the student is ready. I fought it until I could fight no more. Until surrender was the only option I had.
Suddenly, somehow, I’ve found a sense of calm. The space in my mind that was filled with frustration is now freer. The time I spent in anxious thought patterns is now spent doing things that fill me up instead.
I don’t always nail the calm. Nor do I always surrender control. I still get frustrated at times, but I’m quicker to turn it around. I believe that’s the key - everything starts with awareness.
We have no control over much in this time, but we do have control of how much we let go of; expectations, pressures, shame. We also have control of how much we invite in; coping mechanisms, stress relievers, positive people and stories.
It's true, we will never get this time back again. And for some, it may feel like our lives are being wasted.
But, what if that’s the point? What if all of this is the lesson we need to learn about surrender? What if we’re being taught a new way of living, full of patience and ease?
With love, always with love,
Leonie x